My last couple of posts have been a little on the chipper side…

(yeah I said chipper…)

But this one is a little different. I guess the Lord has really been working on my heart a little and checking my motivations. Through a series of events in the last couple of days, I have really begun to look at why I am going on this trip and how I am going to get there.

I know everyone says that if you are supposed to go, the Lord will provide a way but I guess what I struggle with is knowing how much I am supposed to work for it and how much is provided through doors that the Lord opens. People say that you can do anything if you try hard enough, that you can make anything happen if you put enough work into it but is that of the Lord? Where does His will play into that? When it comes to Guatemala, it basically comes down to money. I got an e-mail the other day and it basically said I shouldn’t expect any financial help from my family this year. It seems that a lot of my family thinks that one mission trip is all anyone should get. And maybe they are right. Maybe I am being greedy in thinking I can have the opportunity to go on another trip. Maybe two is one too many.

And then, in my heart, I am so sold out to this trip. And it’s in a really different way than Africa. On the last trip, I sort of thought of it as an incredible opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. I knew I was going to learn so much and I hoped I would come to know the Lord more and enjoy a new culture but I don’t think I fully had my head wrapped around what I was doing or how it was going to change my life.

And now, I am facing a new frame of mind. I know that this trip isn’t going to allow me to change the world or do anything big but I do know that I will get to see the Lord at work in beautiful ways and I am so excited to go and see this place alongside these people I am coming to love. And the Lord is just reinforcing my desire to help the people down there in Guatemala. He is breaking my heart for elderly and orphaned and He just keeps whispering to me that I am doing the right thing in embarking on this journey. I guess those last couple of sentences should be enough to calm me but to go I have to have money and I don’t know where to get it.

When it came to finances for Africa, you should have seen how freaking scared I was. The last couple of months, I was a total wreck because I didn’t know if I could make it to such a high financial goal and I did. The Lord provided. Why wouldn’t He do it now?

I guess I am just scared because He could just close the door. He could just pull the plug. Or a number of other cliché actions that really mean God is saying “No.” What it all comes down to is I am scared that I will pour my heart into this trip, this team, and then I won’t get to go. Man, I am such a baby.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And even though it’s hard, I truly don’t want it any other way. I don’t want to go unless the Lord is on my side and I know that all I can do is pour my heart into this and give it my all each day. The Lord is guiding me and growing me and teaching me so much and even if He is just teaching me now and not taking me to Guatemala that is so much more than I deserve.

So, if you are out there reading this and you want to pray for me and this trip, I could really use them. More than anything, my prayer is that the Lord would have His way and I would remain humble enough to accept His will, especially if He desires me to pour everything into this trip and still not go. I will certainly do this but only with the grace of God and His help. And pray for my ability to trust. It’s a constant struggle of mine especially financially so I could use a zillion prayers for that as well. And really, anything else you have on your heart, pray for that too if you want. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf so just go with it. : ) I really do appreciate all these prayers and your support so thank you so much for it!

Well, thanks for putting up with the winey post.

I’ll post a better one tomorrow.

Go in peace and serve the Lord. : )