I don’t know if you can relate but it seems that every time I think I have some aspect of my life figured out or find some sliver of direction for the future God just likes to give a little chuckle and then knock over my meager tower of blocks. Like that little kid in preschool, I am a little embarrassed to say that my first reaction is usually to pout it out, throw a little tantrum, and then refuse to share any toys with Him. Well sort of. I guess my reaction is just to sit there, wonder what the heck happened and search for what I can do now. It’s always a struggle because before the Lord straightened me out, I thought I had it all figured out. When you are constantly realizing that you are just wrong over and over again, how exactly do you keep trying to search out the Lord’s will for your life?

A quote I’ve heard often comes to mind here: “Repeating the same experiment over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Cool. I’m completely insane. Awesome.

Maybe I should clarify a little here:
So, I have spent the good part of the last three and a half years studying to be a science teacher. Through my classes and classroom experience I have fallen in love with kids in middle school and their crazy, hormonal, angst-y way of life. You can call me crazy like everyone else but those darn 13 year olds are pretty awesome in my eyes. So, naturally, as I have had such wonderful experiences with them, it is clear that this coupled with the confidence I have in my skills that the Lord has given me as a science teacher would equal the greatest calling the Lord could have for me. It seems that I have figured out why the Lord put me on this earth, and that is to be a middle school science teacher! Oh praise God!

Oh wait. What do you mean there’s more?

Yeah. So, there is this other part of me that has been changed by the opportunities I have had in high school and in college. My sophomore year at Berthoud High, my incredible art teacher introduced me to the wide world of Photography and I found myself taking to it like a fish to water. Life makes more sense when I can look at it through a lens and I find so much joy in looking for the beauty the Lord has placed around me. And then at Colorado Christian University, God had the nerve to trick me into going to South Africa and having the time of my life as He picked up the life I had planned out and dumped it on its head. What do you mean I no longer want to marry some smart, wise, good looking man who will provide for our cute little family that I raise in the suburbs with a great house, a dog and a couple sweet cars? What do you mean, I can’t just do my best to be a mediocre teacher who gets through the day and spends her weekends and summers on tropical beaches, sipping umbrella’d drinks, and accruing one awesome tan? What do you mean my life is no longer my own but the only real gift I can give to my Lover and Savior who I have now seen is alive and at work in this world but in desperate need of some harvesters and hard workers? Dang it.

So I decided to give the Lord my life, my future, my money, my everything and He just takes it all. And now, I am in this weird middle ground where I find myself totally owned by Sallie Mae, almost a certified teacher, but with an incredible God-given desire to take pictures and somehow make a difference with them in the lives of desperate, forgotten, and broken people. And I have no idea how this is all supposed to work. Square peg and a round hole is all I’m seeing here.

Yeah, if you have any answers for me, I am totally open to some wise counsel.

And in the mean time, I just find myself attempting to soak up His Word and praying for wisdom and just keeping my fingers crossed that with time it will all make sense. If I can just hang in there, God will align things and doors will open and I’ll see how these gifts and desire mold into the perfect fit that God has chiseled out for me in His beautiful and perfect plan. Until then, I’m just going to sit here and squirm a little in the uncomfortable unknown that I bask in. Care to join me?

Anyways, I pray that as you read this, you are more secure in what the Lord is calling you to do. Maybe that isn’t the case and you find yourself in a similar situation as me, just trying to figure all this craziness out. If so, just know you aren’t alone. You and I can train together or something, as we get really good with this whole wrestling-with-God-thing. That would be awesome, but I get the first pick at names once we pin that angel. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, sorry. My mind in a little crazy right now but you should check out Gen 32:22-29ish. If you already totally know what I am talking about, you are as crazy as I am. And you get a gold star for paying attention in Sunday school.)

Ok, thanks for reading and caring and praying and being cool.

Peace.