My last couple of posts have been a little on the chipper side…

(yeah I said chipper…)

But this one is a little different. I guess the Lord has really been working on my heart a little and checking my motivations. Through a series of events in the last couple of days, I have really begun to look at why I am going on this trip and how I am going to get there.

I know everyone says that if you are supposed to go, the Lord will provide a way but I guess what I struggle with is knowing how much I am supposed to work for it and how much is provided through doors that the Lord opens. People say that you can do anything if you try hard enough, that you can make anything happen if you put enough work into it but is that of the Lord? Where does His will play into that? When it comes to Guatemala, it basically comes down to money. I got an e-mail the other day and it basically said I shouldn’t expect any financial help from my family this year. It seems that a lot of my family thinks that one mission trip is all anyone should get. And maybe they are right. Maybe I am being greedy in thinking I can have the opportunity to go on another trip. Maybe two is one too many.

And then, in my heart, I am so sold out to this trip. And it’s in a really different way than Africa. On the last trip, I sort of thought of it as an incredible opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. I knew I was going to learn so much and I hoped I would come to know the Lord more and enjoy a new culture but I don’t think I fully had my head wrapped around what I was doing or how it was going to change my life.

And now, I am facing a new frame of mind. I know that this trip isn’t going to allow me to change the world or do anything big but I do know that I will get to see the Lord at work in beautiful ways and I am so excited to go and see this place alongside these people I am coming to love. And the Lord is just reinforcing my desire to help the people down there in Guatemala. He is breaking my heart for elderly and orphaned and He just keeps whispering to me that I am doing the right thing in embarking on this journey. I guess those last couple of sentences should be enough to calm me but to go I have to have money and I don’t know where to get it.

When it came to finances for Africa, you should have seen how freaking scared I was. The last couple of months, I was a total wreck because I didn’t know if I could make it to such a high financial goal and I did. The Lord provided. Why wouldn’t He do it now?

I guess I am just scared because He could just close the door. He could just pull the plug. Or a number of other cliché actions that really mean God is saying “No.” What it all comes down to is I am scared that I will pour my heart into this trip, this team, and then I won’t get to go. Man, I am such a baby.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And even though it’s hard, I truly don’t want it any other way. I don’t want to go unless the Lord is on my side and I know that all I can do is pour my heart into this and give it my all each day. The Lord is guiding me and growing me and teaching me so much and even if He is just teaching me now and not taking me to Guatemala that is so much more than I deserve.

So, if you are out there reading this and you want to pray for me and this trip, I could really use them. More than anything, my prayer is that the Lord would have His way and I would remain humble enough to accept His will, especially if He desires me to pour everything into this trip and still not go. I will certainly do this but only with the grace of God and His help. And pray for my ability to trust. It’s a constant struggle of mine especially financially so I could use a zillion prayers for that as well. And really, anything else you have on your heart, pray for that too if you want. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf so just go with it. : ) I really do appreciate all these prayers and your support so thank you so much for it!

Well, thanks for putting up with the winey post.

I’ll post a better one tomorrow.

Go in peace and serve the Lord. : )

I don’t know if you can relate but it seems that every time I think I have some aspect of my life figured out or find some sliver of direction for the future God just likes to give a little chuckle and then knock over my meager tower of blocks. Like that little kid in preschool, I am a little embarrassed to say that my first reaction is usually to pout it out, throw a little tantrum, and then refuse to share any toys with Him. Well sort of. I guess my reaction is just to sit there, wonder what the heck happened and search for what I can do now. It’s always a struggle because before the Lord straightened me out, I thought I had it all figured out. When you are constantly realizing that you are just wrong over and over again, how exactly do you keep trying to search out the Lord’s will for your life?

A quote I’ve heard often comes to mind here: “Repeating the same experiment over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Cool. I’m completely insane. Awesome.

Maybe I should clarify a little here:
So, I have spent the good part of the last three and a half years studying to be a science teacher. Through my classes and classroom experience I have fallen in love with kids in middle school and their crazy, hormonal, angst-y way of life. You can call me crazy like everyone else but those darn 13 year olds are pretty awesome in my eyes. So, naturally, as I have had such wonderful experiences with them, it is clear that this coupled with the confidence I have in my skills that the Lord has given me as a science teacher would equal the greatest calling the Lord could have for me. It seems that I have figured out why the Lord put me on this earth, and that is to be a middle school science teacher! Oh praise God!

Oh wait. What do you mean there’s more?

Yeah. So, there is this other part of me that has been changed by the opportunities I have had in high school and in college. My sophomore year at Berthoud High, my incredible art teacher introduced me to the wide world of Photography and I found myself taking to it like a fish to water. Life makes more sense when I can look at it through a lens and I find so much joy in looking for the beauty the Lord has placed around me. And then at Colorado Christian University, God had the nerve to trick me into going to South Africa and having the time of my life as He picked up the life I had planned out and dumped it on its head. What do you mean I no longer want to marry some smart, wise, good looking man who will provide for our cute little family that I raise in the suburbs with a great house, a dog and a couple sweet cars? What do you mean, I can’t just do my best to be a mediocre teacher who gets through the day and spends her weekends and summers on tropical beaches, sipping umbrella’d drinks, and accruing one awesome tan? What do you mean my life is no longer my own but the only real gift I can give to my Lover and Savior who I have now seen is alive and at work in this world but in desperate need of some harvesters and hard workers? Dang it.

So I decided to give the Lord my life, my future, my money, my everything and He just takes it all. And now, I am in this weird middle ground where I find myself totally owned by Sallie Mae, almost a certified teacher, but with an incredible God-given desire to take pictures and somehow make a difference with them in the lives of desperate, forgotten, and broken people. And I have no idea how this is all supposed to work. Square peg and a round hole is all I’m seeing here.

Yeah, if you have any answers for me, I am totally open to some wise counsel.

And in the mean time, I just find myself attempting to soak up His Word and praying for wisdom and just keeping my fingers crossed that with time it will all make sense. If I can just hang in there, God will align things and doors will open and I’ll see how these gifts and desire mold into the perfect fit that God has chiseled out for me in His beautiful and perfect plan. Until then, I’m just going to sit here and squirm a little in the uncomfortable unknown that I bask in. Care to join me?

Anyways, I pray that as you read this, you are more secure in what the Lord is calling you to do. Maybe that isn’t the case and you find yourself in a similar situation as me, just trying to figure all this craziness out. If so, just know you aren’t alone. You and I can train together or something, as we get really good with this whole wrestling-with-God-thing. That would be awesome, but I get the first pick at names once we pin that angel. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, sorry. My mind in a little crazy right now but you should check out Gen 32:22-29ish. If you already totally know what I am talking about, you are as crazy as I am. And you get a gold star for paying attention in Sunday school.)

Ok, thanks for reading and caring and praying and being cool.

Peace.

Yes, that's right. I totally just wrote a post and here I am writing another.

It's just been so darn long. And I just have so darn much to say. (Imagine that...)

The Lord is stirring up my life, as He seems to do a lot, and in many ways it is very exciting. He has set before me a grand opportunity to go to Guatemala City, Guatemala in May for three weeks of orphan ministry, elderly ministry, service projects, and church outreach. It just blows my mind that the Lord would chose me to have the chance to come along side another incredible group of people and serve alongside them in a new land that I have never seen before. The fact that He would desire to use me to love these people is so beyond my comprehension.

And if that were it, I may be able to handle it but even as I prepare my heart and my head and my hands for this beautiful adventure He has laid out for me, He doesn't stop there. He has decided to completely outdo Himself and bless me with incredible people to go on this trip with me. I have the opportunity to co-lead with my best friend who is one of the most compassionate, loving, beautiful people I know. I am getting to know our staff leader better who is diligent, committed, and exactly what we need on this team. Oh yeah, you think that's it but it isn't. Not even close. There are four other girls going with us who each have beautiful, distinct, unique characteristics that the Lord has given them to use in their specific roles on this team. They are all out there, serving the Lord with every breath they take and that is simply... breath taking! And the boys, well, I should say men, because the three men on this trip are some of the most passionate, kind, and God-loving men on our entire campus. They are distinct men of God each in their own place with the Lord and each so vital to the team. Oh and yet, with such incredibly legit people going on this trip, one cannot do anything alone. The Lord must truly know this because I have watched as these people have begin to mold into each other as each comes to know the other on a deep, heartfelt level. It's as if we are molding, conforming, and filling in each others cracks like clay does as it gets warm and settles. I pray with some more time, we will mold completely, accepting each other for the uniquely beautiful individual they are and come together to form one complete entity with nothing on our hearts and minds but serving the Lord fully. Alone, we will each fall but together we will stand firm in the Lord.

Praise God, praise God, praise God!

If this experience in planning this trip and preparing for this service has taught me anything it is that this God I serve is miraculous, loving, and gives me more grace than I could ever possibly deserve. He just blows my mind.

I pray that you are well aware of the incredible people that the Lord has placed in your life to help lead you closer to Him. I challenge you to make sure that those people in your life that you admire, love, and need know these things and I pray the Lord grows these relationships and continues to strengthen you through those wonderful people He has bless you with.

Well, thanks for reading! Take care and I'll be back soon! :)

Its been quite a while, and I dare say much to long. So here is a another entry for anyone wanting to hear some of the crazy things the Lord puts in my head and on my heart.

The Lord clearly used South Africa and my incredible adventures there to shape and mold me as a person and as a follower of Christ. I am incredibly thankful that those changes were not quick like a lit match, with a bright flash of passion that fades quickly until it slithers into the corners and is gone. Instead, this desire to live my life for Christ and to spend my time serving and loving those in front of me has been a constant simmer of heat that every once in a while rises to a full tumultuous boil and then simmers back down but is constantly churning away. I praise God for His words and whispers that He is constantly speaking into my life to make sure that what I experienced in that African dust does not dissapate as the sun sinks to the horizon.

My God sure is a persistant Being and I praise Him for His faithfulness and grace. Trust me, I have tried to close my eyes to the things He showed me and turn my back from the needs that lie in wait before my eyes but this God I try to love just wont let me give up on this new found desire.

So what exactly does all this jibberish mean? Well, not a whole lot really. Or at least, I haven't the faintest idea where all this leads but what it really comes down to is I serve a huge, miraculous God who choses a wretch like me go out into the world and be His hands while He knows full well that He will spend a lot of time having to clean up behind me and work dispite me. These words I type and the life I live is testimony to the Christ I have laid my life down for.

I am not perfect. But He is.
I can't do anything right. But He is always right.
I am not strong. But He is strength completely.
I am but a wretch. And He is the Lover and Savior of wretches.

I pray this post makes at least a little sense to you as you read it. Maybe more than this jibberish means to me. I also pray that it encourages you to love and serve your God through the people that are right in front of you.

Dumela! (That is pronounced doo-may-luh and means “hello” is Sesotho, the language I learned in South Africa) I hope this letter finds you well and brings just another smile to your face.
I wanted to give you a brief update of my trip and to share with you what the Lord has taught me since. (Well, as brief as I get in a letter like this after a trip like this...) So hold on tight and bear with me; if nothing else, hopefully this letter will tide you over until we can meet face to face and have the opportunity to talk in more detail.
To say the trip to South Africa was incredible is a grand understatement so let me put it this way, I tried really hard not to but I grew some very large expectations for this trip and God just took those desires and went above and beyond. It’s like I was expecting some shiny bronze but instead the Lord gave me pure gold. (Isaiah 60:17) For example, I knew I would learn a ton from this experience, but in my journaling I have filled almost a quarter of a journal with thoughts and memories from the trip, and the new things I am learning just keep coming. Also, I knew I was going to meet some incredible, life changing people but I never thought the Lord would bless me with such refreshing, beautiful friendships with the people I served and served alongside.
And maybe the most frighteningly exciting thing I learned is that I am hopelessly and wonderfully addicted to experiencing other cultures so unlike mine and serving in those new environments. Let me just say, I have already begun to look at the next adventure God might have for me but at this point I have no idea where or what but maybe some orphanage work next summer. It was those beautiful kids that stole my heart while I was in South Africa and I think a summer serving God’s children could be an awesome opportunity to learn more about myself and this God I serve. I have so much more to say and more stories to share but I will save that for a conversation I hope to have with you very soon!
If you would like to join me, I have been praying and meditating daily on the life that God is calling me to, the life of a follower of Christ that is repeated over and over again in the gospels. I have come to see how the life I was living was my own version of the gospel that I created from the bits and pieces of the Bible that I liked while I discarded the parts that made me uncomfortable. My prayer is that I would not grow comfortable in living a selfish, all-American life but would constantly seek to serve others including the poor and ignored and also strive to know Christ better and follow Him daily. I pray that I can better understand how to be a living sacrifice for Him (Romans 12:1-2) and to take up my cross and follow (Matt 16:24-27).
Ke a leboha! (Again, that is some more Sesotho for you, and it means thank you.) And I really do mean it! I couldn’t have gone on this trip without your prayers and help and so I will be forever grateful that you allowed the Lord to work in my life through your giving. It brings tears to my eyes just typing this and I wish I could thank you face to face but I will just have to be satisfied with this until I can tear up and say these words to you in person: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dumela! (That's hello in Sesotho...) Yes, yes, we certainly did arrive safely here in South Africa. After a 8 hour flight to London, a 8 hour layover, and an 11 hour flight to Johannesburg, we still had a three hour drive to the reserve we are staying at. The travel itself was an adventure but we made it safe and sound without any drama and even had all 22 of our bags arrive with us. Praise God for His miracles. : )

South Africa is very different then Lion King. It actually looks alot like Idaho. Lots of farmland surrounds the base with round rolls of hay in the distant fields. We did, however, see antelope and wildebeast and zebra (yes, I said zebra...) There is even a small herd of wild horses that runs around the property. Lots of little things we didn't expect out here in Africa.

Our last two days have been spent brushing up on our Sesotho, preparing for ministry (that stats tomorrow) and trying to get over the jet lag. So far, we have been incredibly blessed by Thrive Africa.

I will let you guys know more about our first day of ministry after we experience it tomorrow. If you are praying for us, please send up a little something about nerves, trust in God's sovereignty, and knowing He will give us the words.

More to come soon...

Well, I had high hopes of keeping a better blog. Just know I really did mean well! :)

Things are going well, praise God, with all things trip related. The team is now 11 wonderful people and things are really looking good as far as group dynamics go. I think this trip is going to teach us amazing things about each other, ourselves, and this incredible God we serve.

Tomorrow is the day we are buying a lot of last minute things and packing some bags. We are going to be able to bring tons of toys, soccer balls, and fun stuff for the kids as well as office supplies for our missionaries. God has given us an incredible amount of things to bring and leave in Africa and I can't wait to see what He does with all the great stuff He has brought to us.

If you have been following us for a while, thank you for your prayers. Our finances look to be in order so that is a huge blessing. God has gone above and beyond and given us more than I could ever imagine. Praise God!

So with three days until departure, things look great. If you could be praying about the nerves and fears that the team has, I think that would be a big help. We are all trying to wrap our heads around this grand adventure God is taking us on and its a little scarey. I know that with God anything is possible and I can't wait to update you guys as we get over there. Please also pray for safe travels and divine appointments. We are so blessed to be going on this trip and I just pray that the team and I would take full advantage of all God is giving us. May He give us the right words and wisdom as to when to use them.

Thank you guys for your support!